Lance Willams

[kidddragon991234]

Name: Lance Williams

Age: 13

God Parent: Ares

Mortal Family:James Willams(Uncle)
                   Landry Williams(Mom)

Years in Camp: 0

History: He was born in a small town in north Florida.His mom ,A retired veteran who left the army with a purple heart,Raised him with his uncle because his mom only had one leg.In a small rundown house.In school he was always left out and did not make many friends.So he started to get into to fights because kids would make fun of him.

When he was 8 he started to see monsters and his mom thought it was a over active imagination.But his uncle would always be here for him.He got so scared that he could not sleep at night and that just made him more irritable at school.AT the age of twelve he had already been kicked out of four schools.His mom sent him to a boarding school in new york.He lived there until a satyr found him and brought him to camp half blood.On the way he meet some people he thought he could trust.One night he snuck away from the satyr an dwent to hangout with them.When he got there they turned out to be snake ladys.They attacked him and he escpaed but not with out getting pretty banged up now he has a problem trusting people.

Physical Appearance: He is half part black part white and has a mulatto skin color.He is tall and is kinda muscllar but it is more of him just being naturaly big thaan him actually working out.He has scars on his fist from all the fights he has been in and a buzz cut.He wears  a black shirt,camouflage pants and black combat boots.

Personality: He is a loner and like to be by himslef.It is hard for him to make friends.He does not like being alone he is just so out of place in normal society.Also he sometime come across as being a bully but he is not.He is just blunt.If you ask him something he will be brutally honest.He loves to fight and feels like a lot of the time that is the best answer.Altho he is far from stupid he is just smart in other ways.

Fatal Flaw: He unable to make friends as easily as other people his age.He has a hard time trusting people and it becomes even more difficult when if he does make friends there is a good possible that either they can die with in hours or him because with the type of world they live in lifw is to uncertaian.

Talents: Fighting

Weapons: none

Other: He likes fighting and playing strategy games.

[kidddragon991234]

im finshed

[GeneralArin]

Alright, so first thing that pops out is the apparent talent of "building machines". Since you're an Athena kid, you're going to need to be more specific. Is this a general, "I understand how they work, and if given the parts and a manual I can build them" or a "I can rebuild an engine" or "I can build anything." Because those are all very different levels. And machines are remarkably different from one another and usually pretty complex on their own. And you're thirteen with no reason stated why you're good at building machines. (The only heritage that can get away with being able to build any machine well, without any prior training or justification would be Hephaestus.)

(There's some general spelling and punctuation things.)

Your personality is lacking. 
How do you act around people? Are you more shy or reserved, or are you outgoing? Are you stubborn? Laid back? How do you act in tough situations? 

And for your fatal flaw, you're thinking of "Perfectionist." Or maybe "Completionist." But they easily go hand in hand.

[Cerulaen]

I would copy and paste this into Microsoft Word to help with the spelling and punctuation.

You mention a sister, which further implies a step mother--yet I see neither of these mentioned in the history. Please do so.

You say his father taught him in sword fighting, so why doesn't he have a sword to bring along with him? I mean, it just seems like he would. In fact, looking at your personality, you mention he has a sword. So...where is it? My character's a perfectionist, too, though. xP

[kidddragon991234]

i edtied it

[Cerulaen]

I still see nothing about his sister, and the mention of the stepmother is minimal. When did his dad marry her? What's the dads relationship with his son? Did he treat him any differently after he married? Why didn't the dad keep his son from running away when the stepmother told him to leave? All good questions.

And seriously, the spelling and grammar. Please fix it.

[Cerulaen]

Well, I see you edited 'Georgia,' at least. I guess I'll ignore the other grammar stuff, just try to fix it up in actual posts so people can understand you better.

I don't really have anything else to say, except I did notice this: I know not everyone follows the typical Athena child look, with the blond hair and grey eyes, and I can understand that sometimes, like if they're a different race and it would kind of stick out in their family...but you're a Japanese American with...green eyes? I'm not even sure that's genetically possible. I don't mean to be picky, it just feels rather off to me. Why not dark brown to follow with his Japanese heritage, or grey to follow with Athena's? I'm just saying.

[kidddragon991234]

i edited it.

[GeneralArin]

Some notes from Ceru:

History: Feels really short. See Personality/FF. Oh, and it says he has a little sister, but it makes absolutely no mention of her here. Add that in, who is she?

Physical Appearance: When you have a black parent and a white parent, the children’s skin coloration is called “mulatto”. Pretty creamy-tan color. Just a note. (this may be considered offensive by a few people, but the stigma's mostly gone by now, with the acceptance of mixed families.) Also, I’m wondering how muscular a 13-year-old can be… I remember 8th grade boys, and they weren’t really MUSCULAR… I don’t think they have the body mass yet to be legitimately muscular. But I suppose he could still be strong.

Personality/FF: So, I’m guessing his FF is “doesn’t trust easily,” or whatever. I’d like to know what, in his History, has caused him to have trust issues. I think the contradictory-ness of the first two sentences might actually be saying “he’s a loner because people don’t like him, but he doesn’t actually like being alone.” That’s kind of what’s coming across to me. So maybe he could just word that better (though, that does contradict a bit with the “not trusting people” thing. So I’d just ask him to explain it better, maybe present these ideas to him and ask which he means). Oh, and about the FF: the last sentence does not make sense to me. Why would people who become friends with him have a good possibility of dying “within a few hours”? Does he have some magical death curse?

Talents: Does he have street smarts because he’s spent a lot of time on the streets? I know it means more like general smarts of being in the world, but still… I feel like that should be explained in History.

Random Side Comment: FINALLY a normal Ares kid. Bonus points.

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